Omg I am so damn freaking sad, pissed off and moody these days. I don’t know exactly what’s happening around me. I am trying my best to cut off my sense of pain. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I broke up TWICE for the same lame reason. I just don’t get it. Is that my love doesn’t worth that much? Everyone is trying to trample over it. I know I am not perfect. But why it is always me? It’s just so unfair!
The first one…
I really love him deeply. He is my first love and I can’t really describe how much I like him. When his mum saw us sort of sitting together in school, he got scolded seriously and he said he had to break up with me after three days. I felt so sad and I don’t care what’s his feeling I just scolded him and yelled to him as loud as possible through text. Even so I know I couldn’t change anything. A relationship needs two person. If one if them wants to leave, then the relationship is off. I could still remember so clearly how hard I cried. I think I suffered serious water loss in my eyes that night. I talked to him and talked to my friends. There’s not even a minute that my tears stopped from flowing out. Maybe it did stop for seconds but definitely not minutes. I couldn’t control it although I knew my eyes would look like goldfish’s eyes the next day. As the result I was correct. My eyes were like… Um… Fish balls? Yeah I think so. My friends tried to comport me but I knew nothing could make me feel better. I remembered the morning when I saw him passed by. He looked tired (maybe he cried too). And the most dramatic part is when I saw him my eyes became water pipes and water just couldn’t stop flowing out. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know. I just remembered the heart pain that stroke me and tears just came out. But after two hours, he gave me a letter, saying that he want me back but we can’t afford to let his mum knows again. I nodded my head. I never felt so happy in my life before. I felt like flying. Then the next day I went out with some friends (but without him). I missed him so much that day. After the outing I went back to my hometown for 2 days. It was a Saturday, when I sms him. Suddenly he replied me saying he really have to break up. I said nothing but yes. And we stopped texting each other on that day. I cried again. It was only 4 days for me to went through broke up and back together and then broke up again. When I got back to school on Monday, I started to sit with whole bunch of guys but not him. I just stopped talking to him while talking and laughing loudly with my friends. They said I had a rapid recovery, but they don’t know how much it hurts inside. Then he asked me to be with him again and of course I said yes. We continued our relationship until one day… My mum told me his mum called her out and said something really bad to her. His mum insulted me, my mother and my family with serious disrespect. I felt like WTH?!! It’s as if his son has nothing to do with this and this is all my plan and my fault! I got really pissed off. Then his mum said something. She said I am the one who taught her son not to care about what parents said (which I think I did) and it was a very very very serious offence (but not for me!). She said I was selfish and I am the one who had caused so damn much troubles at the relationship between her son and her. She said he was such a good and obedient son before he was with me. She said she had so much trust in him before this but now I am the one who had ruined all these. Then I was asked to break up with him and stop him from asking back. I was so shocked. I wanted to tell those people to shut up and back off. I wanted to yell and shout and cry but I know all these would be useless. I was told that the best thing I can do for him, if he really meant that much to me, was to leave him. So that he won’t have any problems with his family. I had no choice but to say yes. I am very rebellious. But shockingly I found out that for him, I can do anything that seems impossible for me especially listen to what parents said and follow. I know he wouldn’t leave me if I told him what exactly happened. And his mum really got on my nerves because she didn’t mind her language. And I made up my mind to make the decision that makes me regret the most in my life. I started to say that I had changed my mind and I don’t love him anymore. Before this, he was not allowed to chat online for a period of time. And we didn’t really talk much as I didn’t talk to him at all when we were in school. I started all these by avoiding him. When he started to realize that I was avoiding him he came to ask me why. I said I didn’t avoid him (which is obvious I was lying). Then the news of I don’t love him anymore started to spread and he started to get worried. He always wanted a chance to talk but I kept on avoid him. I was worried that if I talked to him everything would flow out from my mouth. Which included the things that I promised those adults never ever let him know. Slowly I started to talk to him as if he was a stranger. I know he was upset. I know it and it kills me. I purposely wrote something on my msn personal message to show that I don’t love him anymore. He kept asking and it sounded so sad it just made me cry. But they said that it’s the only thing I could do for him. So I continued my “duty”. Then there was one day, my friends pushed him into my class and asked us to have a talk, to speak out the problems. FYI my friends didn’t know anything about my plan. I remembered his eyes. He looked so sad and was sort of begging me not to break up. It was crashing my heart into pieces. No one knows how much and how desperate I want to tell him the truth, to let him know that I still love him that much and my love for him didn’t change. But I couldn’t. I tried to give him hints but I know it was far to insufficient for him to know the truth. I just told him that it was not all about his problems but his mum’s problem. He said he could solve it within a week. I laughed bitterly towards myself. Haha, one week. What a joke. I remembered that day too. My friends told me, after we finished talking and when he went back to his class, he talked with some girls and I was told that they told him to just break up with me. They said girls like me just doesn’t deserve him. Which was right. Who would want such a coward and selfish girlfriend? I thought his love for me was really strong. But two hours after he begged me not to leave him, he came into my class and said: “since you behaved like that, let’s just end this relationship.” I was… omg… T.T . Words failed me to describe my feelings. I still couldn’t believe that in such a short time he had changed his mind. So what about his love towards me? But isn’t it the result I want? I could do nothing except for nodding my head. I gave him a big cheerful smile and say Ok la just break la. I laughed like maniac in front of my friends after he went off to cover my shocked and trembled feelings. I don’t know if I’d overreacted but still I think I managed to hide my feelings. One of my friend said: “Omg what kinda weird reaction is this?” I laughed. After an hour when he passed by my class to the school gates I said loudly and cheerfully :”Goodbye!” And I turned my head away. I was so scared that he would smiled at me as if there’s nothing happening. On that day during tuition, I thought of the process. I just couldn’t let him go. I really miss him. So I texted him, saying that I didn’t asked for a break up from the beginning. His reply sounded so cheerful. He said that:” Oh it was just misundertandings lah then!” I tried to cheer myself up by reading that message. But I couldn’t. Because I knew it, even if it’s not that day, one day the same thing would happen again. After these I started to treat him worse. But he was so… kind? I don’t know how to describe. He was trying very hard to find a chance to talk to me. But I rejected him in an indirect but seriously cruel way. Every night, I was crying so hard until midnight. Until I was so damn tired and didn’t have the strength to cry anymore only I fell asleep. I even crept up during 3 am to get some ice for my eyes to avoid them from looking swollen. Finally there’s one day, both of us were invited to the same conversation in msn. I said I love you to one of my male friends after he said that to me. “He” was surprised and kept on saying lol the one you love is me right jiazhen? I said no. And I continued saying that. He was very hurt I guessed. Maybe he couldn’t stand it and called me heartless. The word. Oh My God. Was like a sharp sword that pierced through my heart. My tears was rolling down in front of my PC. Yet I’ve got to act as if it didn’t matter to me at all. I even said bye to him when he said this to me: Goodbye heartless jiazhen. Can anyone of you imagine my pain and my suffer? The one you love so so so so much was there accusing you for not loving him anymore, for treating him cruelly and being heartless. We didn’t really said “I want to break up” clearly. It’s just that his attitude towards me suddenly changed. He didn’t come and find me that much anymore. Um well more accurate description is he started to get closer with another girl. I asked him. He said no he didn’t like her. My friends told me that it was impossible too. But still it’s so… heart aching, when I looked at both of them and when I came across to know about how frequent they text each other when my phone was under confiscation. I tried not to think about that. I tried to convince myself that he will belong to other people soon. I tried but it was such a Mission Impossible for me.
Does this sounds dramatic to you? Haha no worries I understand that. I once thought all these could only happen in TV. But it happened to me. So dramatic yet so real and so painful. Should I went for the interview for an actress? Maybe I can get a job. Through this, I found out that hiding my feelings is one of my abilities but eventually it just couldn’t last long. If it could last, I wouldn’t be spitting it out now. It doesn’t really makes me feel better but still it can’t be any worse than keep this in me forever.
To be continued…
Is it AWESOME?!
This is Zhi Yuan, 15 this year (2009). Nice? Handsome? One of my friend said that he looks like Bosco Wong… OMG! He keep on asking people to take his photo… Muahaha… so Self-loving… One more:
Funny?? Haha…. Ok la, he is quite good-looking la actually… If you don’t think so, maybe is my camera’s problem… XP! One more photo, this time it’s Yu Sam, 13 this year (2009)…
Ok? This is UPSR 7As student… There’s 2 more photos of Timothy Au Yeong, 15 this year (2009):
This is Timothy, one of the guitarist… This guy, KEEP ON using his hand to disturb me when i’m trying to take photos… Wat Da… One day i’ll whack him, i promise. MUAHAHA…
When we are it this house, we ate something. The tissue paper there, just look like banana leaf… this is what Paul says.. 0.O :
*that’s my hand… IGNORE IT!*
This is a mug from Ikea… Inside it still gt chocolates and candys… Nice right? Then we went to the 6th house… We just stayed there for a short period of time because there’s not enough time. It’s around midnight at that time when we reached the 6th house.
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